Wednesday, January 19, 2011

self loathing in Las Vegas

This Friday I found out some things.  A five pound dog can’t pass a digested baby wipe all the way, and that I have very few friends.

I think the thing about the baby wipe is self explanatory.  Vaca’s got a thing for baby wipes and underwear.  It’s super gross, and I never thought in a million years that she would eat an entire baby wipe.

The friends thing…  Sigh.

I went to a friend’s wedding reception Friday.  Barely any of our mutual friends were there and only a couple that I didn’t know.  He was over-joyed that people came to celebrate with him, but it reminded me of my own wedding and reception.  Nearly 100 invitations were sent out and there were maybe 20 people that showed up.  People that I’ve known for years will talk about parties that they went to together or post pictures and I realize that I wasn’t invited or wasn’t invited in time to try and find a sitter (as if).

I’ve become that woman that babysits for others so they can have a good time, the person that drops EVERYTHING to help others.  And why not?  When Donovan’s not here, I don’t drink; no one can/will babysit for me.  And even if I could get a sitter, where would I go?  I don’t get invited places anymore.  I guess I’ve become boring, that person that people know but don’t want to be around.  And it’s not just my old friends.  I feel like this EVERYWHERE, even at SCA events.  I feel like the moment I get to site the common consensus is “Oh crap, it’s Widow Kait and her traveling circus”.  It’s like high school all over again – I don’t get to see the man in my life nearly as much as I’d like, everyone’s doing their own thing without me, and if I do show up, very few are genuinely happy to see me.

I haven't had a birthday party since I was 10.  I don't know if my mom just shut down as far as I was concerned (there was A LOT of bad things going on that she was going through on her own and I'm pretty sure she felt pretty trapped) or what.  I vaguely remember one or the other of my brothers getting some type of birthday gathering, but I was usually forgotten...  Even as an adult, the only time a party has been for me was when I got married.  My mom didn't even make good on her talk of "dinner at the Tillerman just for us and your first legal glass of wine".  And FB greetings are fine, they make me feel special for a bit, but just once I'd like to be selfish and have a party that's just for me, with my friends right there, instead of having to treat it like another day or having to move furniture to a new house by myself.

I wish I were included in things, that people actually seemed happy to see me, that I had a “me” around that was more than willing to take my kids off my hands every so often, that someone would take one look at me and say "wow, you look like you need a break, let me help you" .

I'd like to be important to someone that's an adult just for me, not what I can do for them for once.  

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