Monday, August 29, 2011

school days, school days I

Ahhhhh, the first day of school.  Reminds me of that Office supply store’s commercial a few years ago, with dad dancing through the store and the kids trudging in his wake.

So, last night I baked.  For the first time in MONTHS.  And the cookies actually turned out pretty damn good.  B left for the bus stop too early even AFTER BEING TOLD “your bus is later this year, you don’t have to leave till 0730”.  Yeah, when I got up with Caelen, she was gone – that was at 0715.  The dog woke up M, so I had a cranky 3 year old.  Cae made it to the potty, but ended up piddling on the floor.

Skyping with D was pretty good.  The connection sucked, but he was there and saw the little kids and was reluctant to hang up once it worked. 

Then the fun started!  And by fun I mean “F$%K why can’t I go back to bed?!”  C was totally stubborn this morning.  About EVERYTHING.  While looking for his other shoe, I ended up kneeling in dog poop (yeah, no one under the age of 5 is completely potty trained.  It blows hard) – good thing we’ve got baby wipes.  And the dog actually looked remorseful when I said to her “bad dog.  Baaaaaad dog.”

His shoe ended up being in the front room.  So both kids are dressed, watching Nick Jr., and we’re waiting for the bus to get here.  C’s already demanded a cookie, and M’s already sporting a band-aid on her face – she’s been picking, and band-aids make her stop.  I’m actually dressed; M and I MAY walk to the park.  Well, I’ll walk.  She’s going to sit in her stroller.  Cause my pants feel tight, I blame the stress-eating I’ve been doing since D went back to Germany.

And since there are sounds of distress and sheer pissery from the front room, I’m off like a prom dress, kiddies. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Seven is such a small number taken on it's own

Seven years.  It’s a life time for a kid, a year for a dog, and a blink for an adult mourning the loss of a parent.  Yeah.  Seven years ago today we lost my mom to breast cancer that went from curable to a death sentence in less than 6 months.
Growing up, my mom seemed this force of nature, a larger than life being that as I got older, made more and more intolerable mistakes.  The only good thing that I can honestly say the cancer did was to humanize her to my, at the time, young adult mind.  But all of us were still convinced she would beat it, that she would pull through and out in her yard again with dirt under her nails and ugly pants on.
It never happened.  Once mom broke her hip it was pretty much a downhill slalom of doctor’s visits, treatments, funeral plan notes, and hospital stays.  Her last summer not only did my Gran push her into a stroke, but it also saw my mom desperate for reassurances; “I should’ve never been a mom, I was too selfish, I was a good mom, right?”
Gods help me, after the hell she’d been through with her illness, her seeming apathy to what my brothers and I went through because of her bad choices in men, that she chose the yard and her plants over us, and that she usually chose what Gran advised over what we wanted, I didn’t have the heart to tell her no.
Being a mom has taught me, has shown me so many of the “whys” behind mom’s choices.  She was right, she was horribly selfish at times.  But she had her moments, too.  Part of me wonders if she had me come home in late 2001 because she somehow knew she was going to get worse, or to help me go to school. 
In spite of all the hurts, now that I’m an adult with children of my own that she will never meet, I miss her terribly.  Once I became an adult, we had a very fragile type of friendship developing that deep down, I’d craved for a very long time.  Once she was gone, the family seemed to dissolve.  For a while I stayed in California, but Vegas called to me again.  My step-father moved to his mother’s house, and my baby brother had already been back East for a while.
Mom was the rock, the defining force that kept us all together.  I haven’t seen my brother J in six years.  I saw my baby brother in 2009.  I miss them both, but I’ve got facebook and e-mail.  There are constant things that the kids do that I wish I could call her up and tell her about.
Mom.  I miss you so so much.  I was just getting comfortable being friends with you again.  You’ve missed out on grandchildren, and the family’s not the same without you.  I wish I could have another day, a week, a month with you, so that you could see your grandchildren, meet your namesake and marvel in all of them like I do.  I wish you’d taken as good care of yourself as you reminded me to.
Love
Me.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Like a turtle among swans...

 So, I’m taking an accounting class this month.  And unlike the other classes, I already feel really na├»ve and stupid.  Up is down and left is right with these terms.  At least there are practice tests that I can set a goal to take and then forget about, ha ha.  I’m pretty sure that if I were in an actual lecture class where I could take notes, I’d be doing better, but then there’s the whole rigmarole of finding a sitter for the kids and paying them for multiple nights a week.

I want to actually NOT choke on an exam in one of my classes.  I really would.  I did so well when I was chasing my associate’s.  Dean’s list when I didn’t have to take a math class, exams were pretty easy, blah-blah, yada-yada umpty-frats…  But this time, the exams, short as they are, are kicking my butt. 
The commissary is supposed to be having a case lot sale again, but when I called them last week, I was told “oh, in August or September.”  Really?  You’ve got no idea when YOUR PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT is going to run a sale that will have people under tents in the parking lot?

Once again legal stuff is on hold.  Seems there were mistakes in my paperwork, so it’s going to be at least a week.  I just want it done and over with.  I’m still not sleeping; I’m thinking that it’s a mix of D being gone, classes and this legal crap along with bills.

I really want to be able to go to Great Western War this October.  I feel like it would do me and the kids some real good, but again, trying to do events with the kids is really hard unless I’ve got a helper or three…  At least if I do GWW, I can bring the dog.  But again, it’s a matter of having someone to help out that’s killing me.  And the feeling of “Aw crap, it’s Alex and the kids” that I suspect happens when I show up to site.

I don’t know.  I’m just really feeling outta place right now.  And I hate it a lot.