Friday, February 4, 2011

OMG I'm my Aunt Kathryn...

With everything that's gone down the past few days, this is going to be my last blog post for a while.  Right this moment I'm seriously reconsidering keeping any social networking anything open to anyone - blogging, facebook, IM programs, etc...  If I do keep them, it will be super private.  I've got the option to make this blog a "members only" blog, so if you'd like to keep reading it, please send me your e-mail address and I will put it on the list.  Only problem that I can see is that you'd have to log in.  Thanks, and if any of my past blogs have upset you, I'm sorry.  Obviously it's not going to happen anymore.

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I’m falling apart. 

Since November every month around the same time I get paranoid, convinced that Donovan couldn’t possibly want me anymore and even worse.  I think I know what’s going on…  I didn’t realize how “scheduled” these episodes were until yesterday.  So now I’m charting 2 months so I can talk to a doctor.  I’ve got a bad feeling I’m going to end up on medication again.

Usually I’m back up and dealing by now.  But one statement from Donovan has got me staying worried.  “Now before you lash out next time stop and think about it because I can't keep doing this with you.”  This has me terrified.  It makes me think back on my Aunt Kathryn and her relationships, and the fact that she’s been alone most of my life. 

My Auntie Kathryn is my mother’s baby sister.  The year I was born she was put on lithium for bi-polar disorder.  She’s never had anyone stay with her because THEY “couldn’t keep doing this”, either.  She and I are different, I hope…  She’d do recreational drugs with her meds and have episodes.  Add to that the fact that the lithium has DESTROYED her intelligence in the over 30 years she’s been on it….  Is it any wonder I hate taking medication?

There was only one man in her life that could handle her, Uncle Steve.  He was an amazing uncle to me and my brothers, and loved her more than anything.  But he had his own problems that none of us knew about and ended up committing suicide around Christmas time when I was 9 or 10.  Every other man she’s ever tried to have a serious relationship with has ended up taking off on her while she was under observation or had disappeared.

So Auntie always ended up having a manic episode around Christmas because of my Uncle Steve.  She probably still does – I wouldn’t know, because the last time I saw her was while I was in the hospital, having Caelen.

I don’t want to be my aunt.  I don’t want to be alone because my episodes are so brutal to deal with.  I love my husband, even after all the time we’ve been apart, despite the fact that we don’t even know each other anymore.  I would hope that he loves me enough to help me through this crap instead of walking away.

Where does time go I

This weekend is superbowl 45.  It’s also my eldest child’s 12th birthday.  We’re most likely going to put it off to the following weekend since she still hasn't told me what she wants to do.  But the fact that she’s going to be twelve got me thinking.

This super tall young lady is almost a teenager.  This bundle of awkwardness that hates going to school in the dark and her headgear was once small enough to sleep on my chest. 

Like all mommas, I miss her being small.  I miss her hair smelling like baby shampoo and being the most important person in her little world.  Now she has a crush on a boy and struggles with math.   

At one time she’d do just about anything I asked her.  Now I’ve got to yell to get her attention.
I know that the time is coming that I will be the biggest idiot on the planet as far as she’s concerned, that she will tell her friends things before she tells me anything.  That some boy is eventually going to convince her to “get stupid” with him (honestly, that scares me to death; my baby having a physical relationship with some boy).

I know that she’s going to graduate from high school in a few short years and go off to college because she wants to be a veterinarian. 

None of what I know will ever change how much I miss the tiny black haired newborn she once was.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

No Mr Customer you are sooooo WRONG

I read a lot.  And lately one of the windows in my browser has been Not Always Right. One of the things that this website of anecdotes has made me realize is that I’d rather take a beating than work customer service again.

I’ve said before that I’m not the best with people.  Some of these stories…  I’d get fired.  Or arrested.  And the thing is, I’ve experienced some of this crap! 

When I was working tech support for IBM, I had some guy demand a male manager because I couldn’t possibly reset his password.  Others would call good and pissed and demand to be sent to the “next level” of tech.  Excuse me, but what makes you think I’m paid enough to put up with this CRAP?!

Food service during a lunch rush customers made fun of me raising my voice to get the herd of sheeple to move forward.  And that particular shift they had me running back and forth, prep area to front counter, the only nod to food safety was that I was putting on new gloves – there was NO TIME for anything else.

I worked in a bar and grill during the pope’s visit to Denver.  It was packed for THREE FREAKING HOURS and there were only TWO waitresses on the floor.  The cook messed up my orders on purpose and my customers thought it was cute to leave me a penny as a tip when I was only getting $3 an hour. 

In case you’re thinking “wow, that really sucks!” it’s completely normal for waitstaff to get below minimum wage if they’re earning tips.  So what if the economy is in the crapper and people aren’t as willing to give a good tip.  Management isn’t suffering.  At the time I was just a dumb kid, but it still annoyed the hell out of me.  Having to “claim” my tips at the end of the day seemed a huge invasion of my privacy.

My point?  If you’re pissed and going to be a jerk, keep in mind that NO ONE in customer service is EVER going to make enough to put up with you.  Many times they’re super lucky to even get benefits.  Except the DMV.  The people at the info desk are asking for abuse.  No no no, not even the trolls that work at the DMV deserve to be snarled at (an action that I find myself now guilty of as of last year).

I’ve also decided that if I’m ever able to run a booth at faire, I’m not going to go by “The customer is always right”.  That is a formula for the humiliation of one’s employees and a sure way to give a sense of entitlement to people that are, many times, cheap, rude, and stupid.  I’m going to stand behind my employees, because as a boothie, I won’t be able to give them great pay and most definitely won’t be able to give any benefits other than food breaks and a free pass to get on site.

I guess what really strikes me is that more managers need to stand up for their employees.  And that more employees need to feel confident enough to say “No, THIS is how it’s going to be, and my manager WILL agree with me.”

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Home on Deranged

I'm completely stressed right now.  
  1. The IRS is giving our tax refund to the Department of Education for student loans that I thought were deferred.  
  2. Donovan's in a horrible place where lots of nasty people want him dead.
  3. I haven't seen him since last May and most likely won't see him till this coming June (if I'm super lucky)
  4. I've no idea how we're going to get into a rental or if I even can anymore.
  5. I keep looking at his LES; I STILL don't understand why he needs to keep so much every month.
  6. The kids are, as usual, driving me nuts.  Right now it seems worse than usual.
I've got a plan of attack for the missing taxes, but it's going to take time.  Time as in at least 11 weeks for the IRS to even start investigating anything.  

I'm so tired.  Tired of being strong, tired of being a single mom.  Tired of not being able to leave the house and driving a van that's got no heat.

Mostly, I'm tired of the way that the military makes me feel.  I feel stomped on, abandoned, and barely tolerated.  Like everyone that talks to my husband knows all our financial information and thinks I'm a greedy pig.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

February already?

Whoa, where did January go?

Did I keep my resolutions?  If I’m still trying, how am I doing? 
  1. Lose some weight.  Donovan says he’s happy no matter what size I am (suuuuuuuuure) but I need to lose some because it’s making my constant pain worse.
Okay, not doing so great on this one.  I’m thinking that I’m going to end up joining a gym that’s got child care, or actually leaving the house and going to a park once we’re moved.
  1. Move to a better/cheaper place.  I HATE this apartment.  I’ve already got something in mind, but I need the taxes to be deposited before I can make an offer.
Still working on this one.  The realtor hasn’t contacted me since the LAST time I called him.  Time is running out and I need to look at rentals.
  1. Get all the little kids (2 and 4 footed) house broken.  I think this one’s self explanatory.
Cae’s interested in sitting there, but not doing anything that he should.  And my couch is paying for it.
  1. Find a dependable babysitter.  I’ve been back in Vegas almost 6 years now, and have yet to find a sitter that is available when I need them.
I’m almost there.  There’s a couple of people that I know that are usually willing to watch the kids as long as I give them some notice.
  1. Take a ceramics class.  But to do that I need a sitter.
Honestly, I haven’t even looked into it yet with everything going on.
  1. Re-start my clothing and gift company.  I had to close it down because no one was buying.  This time I need a stock built up, and some really great pictures, along with an amazing web-site. 
Haven’t started on this, either.  Yeah, I suck.  There’s too much going on to sew right now, and I’m still trying to drag myself out of this hole that depression has shoved me into.  Also, with how the apartment is right now, I can’t see the kids or TV when I’m sewing.

I’ve already done some good this year though, helping others as much as I can even though the chance of being paid back is tenuous.  I know that lots of times I’m selfless.  Wow, that sounds egotistical…  But I help people as much as I can, regardless of no thanks and karma kicking my butt on a regular basis.