Friday, February 4, 2011

OMG I'm my Aunt Kathryn...

With everything that's gone down the past few days, this is going to be my last blog post for a while.  Right this moment I'm seriously reconsidering keeping any social networking anything open to anyone - blogging, facebook, IM programs, etc...  If I do keep them, it will be super private.  I've got the option to make this blog a "members only" blog, so if you'd like to keep reading it, please send me your e-mail address and I will put it on the list.  Only problem that I can see is that you'd have to log in.  Thanks, and if any of my past blogs have upset you, I'm sorry.  Obviously it's not going to happen anymore.

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I’m falling apart. 

Since November every month around the same time I get paranoid, convinced that Donovan couldn’t possibly want me anymore and even worse.  I think I know what’s going on…  I didn’t realize how “scheduled” these episodes were until yesterday.  So now I’m charting 2 months so I can talk to a doctor.  I’ve got a bad feeling I’m going to end up on medication again.

Usually I’m back up and dealing by now.  But one statement from Donovan has got me staying worried.  “Now before you lash out next time stop and think about it because I can't keep doing this with you.”  This has me terrified.  It makes me think back on my Aunt Kathryn and her relationships, and the fact that she’s been alone most of my life. 

My Auntie Kathryn is my mother’s baby sister.  The year I was born she was put on lithium for bi-polar disorder.  She’s never had anyone stay with her because THEY “couldn’t keep doing this”, either.  She and I are different, I hope…  She’d do recreational drugs with her meds and have episodes.  Add to that the fact that the lithium has DESTROYED her intelligence in the over 30 years she’s been on it….  Is it any wonder I hate taking medication?

There was only one man in her life that could handle her, Uncle Steve.  He was an amazing uncle to me and my brothers, and loved her more than anything.  But he had his own problems that none of us knew about and ended up committing suicide around Christmas time when I was 9 or 10.  Every other man she’s ever tried to have a serious relationship with has ended up taking off on her while she was under observation or had disappeared.

So Auntie always ended up having a manic episode around Christmas because of my Uncle Steve.  She probably still does – I wouldn’t know, because the last time I saw her was while I was in the hospital, having Caelen.

I don’t want to be my aunt.  I don’t want to be alone because my episodes are so brutal to deal with.  I love my husband, even after all the time we’ve been apart, despite the fact that we don’t even know each other anymore.  I would hope that he loves me enough to help me through this crap instead of walking away.

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