Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Cue the William Tell Overture... Or "I'm late" from Alice in Wonderland

As usual, I’m running late.  But really, this time it’s not completely my fault.

I’m running on something like five hours of sleep.  Both Cae and I had insomnia last night.  And then just as I was getting tired, I remembered that I had to do the final draft on a team assignment.  Fast forward to this morning.  I got up the first time after 2 ½ hours of sleep to get Beckie up.  Marion woke me up an hour later to demand that I not only open her oranges, but put them into a drinking glass and turn on the TV because “Oomie Zoomie, Mom!”

Cae was still passed out, and since I had an appointment anyway, I figure, “Okay, I’ll just let him sleep and drop him off on my way to Nellis, I’ll have time.”  Suuuuuure I will.  So I get up an hour before the appointment and things just start going nuts.  In my brilliance, I had forgotten to get D’s most current check stub before this morning.  He was listed as “on-line”, so I’m thinking “Yay, is SOMETHING going to go right in the morning dash?”  Nope.  As soon as I ask for the LES, he logs off and things go downhill from there.

Thursday I missed my morning meds.  It took me till Sunday to even out.  So there are no clean “public” shirts in my closet.  They’re all in the dryer, along with most of Cae’s underwear.  Okay, no biggie dealie…  Crap, everything’s still damp.  And smells kinda…  off.  Craaaaaaaaap.

Marion’s fighting getting dressed and can’t find her other “dancey” shoe.  Cae doesn’t want to take off last night’s pull up, doesn’t want to make his bed and most definitely wants to camp out in front of the TV.  I’ve found out the hard way that that my shorts choices are the shorts on the floor with the lotion on them or the shorts on the floor with the dog hair (and yes, that’s a story for another time).  Marion’s finally dressed, refusing to do anything with her hair, and is convinced that “Why-on” and “Teddy” have to go with us even though the rule is one toy.  Being reminded of this rule sparks the first tantrum of the day.  It’s not even 0930 yet.

We get to the van with everyone and no falls, only to have Marion spot “blue juice” cups.  They’ve been in the van long enough that they’ve started to leak, so they have to go to the dumpster.  Cae chooses right in the middle of this insanity that he’s forgotten how to put on his seatbelt, but as soon as I crawl into the van to help (because Muttley is ancient and only has one sliding door) he starts shrieking “NO I DO IT!!!”

We finally get on the road to take Cae to school only to find that the turn lane to the freeway is closed.  Cynical me makes the command decision to switch lanes – good thing, because the drivers in the lane next to the turn lane are a mix of directions, and, as usual, are inconsiderate as hell.  We get Cae to school, and Marion decides that she can’t leave the car without a hat.  Lucky lucky, under the winter coat that has a smashed furry piece of fruit and broken zipper that Cae refuses to wear is Marion’s Sponge Bob hat.

So all the school attending kids are where they need to be, and my constant short companion and I haul it to Nellis.  To recap, I swear that I can smell myself, my shorts are covered in dog hair, I haven’t had a shower yet, and my shirt smells “off”.  Add to this that all I’ve eaten today are my meds and a glass of water and I’m wearing flip flops with untrimmed toenails (forget painting them!), no make-up and I’m rocking the stereotypical E-wife look.

We get on the freeway only to get cut off by a van that turns out to be driven by an Asian guy (from what I’ve heard, they are stereotypical rotten drivers, this is why I mention it).  He takes the turn wide, then goes back to the lane he should’ve turned into in the first place.  He then does another wide turn cutting me off once again.  I get off the freeway only to get stuck behind a semi, a truck towing a cement mixer and a delivery truck.  I get around them, I’m already late for my appointment…  Amazing, there’s no line to get on Nellis.  But the guard tells me “You can pull up a little more, you know.”  Get to the appointment nearly 20 minutes late only to be told that the LES’s I do have aren’t enough, we’re going to have to re-schedule AGAIN.  Okay.  Fine.  Don’t care now.

We do our thing at the BX and as I’m loading Marion, some lady in a newer SUV pulls up next to Muttley and as she’s passing me, she slaps and scraped her keys on my van.  Now, I do realize that Muttley is old, usually filthy, and basically, on a bad day a dumpster on wheels, but come on!  He’s mine, paid for in full, has a banging stereo and perfect AC.  I LOVE Muttley - the kids and I even sing a "Muttley song" when we're going out to the parking lot to get into it.  The kicker here?  Chick didn’t say a word, just kept walking.  FINE.  Karma's coming for you and your gas guzzling shiny black SUV, too.

So, as usual, we hit Burger King before we leave base.  The salad I should’ve ordered was ignored in favor of a burger whose only claim to fame is being a third larger than McDonald’s Angus burger.  I’ve got coffee that is the only thing keeping ME from a tantrum that Marion’s trying to steal like the French fry she sniped off of some airman’s tray WHILE HE WAS BEHIND US.

I did make it to SSI and Marion got a nap, but I have to do a walk in appointment to fix that bit of government funded stupidity.  I got the illegal cupcakes to Cae’s school for snack time, but Marion mentioned them at the front desk and one of Cae’s teachers and I ended up lying to the principal’s secretary; seems baked goods aren’t allowed at school for any reason per the principal.  Cow.

I still have to do Cae’s party invites by Thursday.  My “business proposal” for class is horribly lacking (don’t care about that one…  I don’t do “pretend you are…” real well when it comes to assignments)

And they say SAHMs have it easy…  CRAP I’ve gotta gas the car again?!  And start out even earlier tomorrow?  DAMN.

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